IKEA … We See Ya’

The ‘enjoyment’ of IKEA comes in two parts. There is the shopping trip itself, celebrated in verse below in the style of Brian Bilston. Then there is the ‘putting it all together’ phase

They seduce you with their images, don’t they? That beautiful wardrobe - oh, sorry, I mean ‘armoire’. There’s fancy. The armoire with Scandinavian name that probably means ‘incredibly tricky to put together’. Only I never did quite Finnish my Swedish studies. Scandilous, huh? Borderline Scandiless.

Onwards to the wardrobe thingie. First, unpack … count the pieces … sort out the screws and dowels - I mean, how many do you need? Open the book that sets out the mysteries of the assembly process - let’s call it ‘The 39 Steps’. The flatpack is unpacked. Cue head scratching.

But you are not alone.

It turns out that Allen is here and Allen is key.

The pressure is on. Turning the screw … and the next one … and the 59 others.

The moment of truth.

Will the wardrobe {ahem, armoire} stand upright when it is assembled or is the bedroom ceiling too low? Is this the moment I discover that I don’t know my proverbial armoire from my elbow?

But wait, what’s this … HEJ, it is up.

How the Nordkisa did I manage that?

But how did the actual shopping trip work out, Mr Fables?

I.K.E.A.

A Poem in the Style of Brian Bilston

IKEA

We see ya

With your dizzying directions

And your Swedish inflections

Your cute little names

Making it all fun and games

Wide choice of candles

Cupboards with no handles

We’ll have the yellow octopus

Maybe for Olivia, maybe for us

Random orchid

Of course, we did

Three-piece bucket

Naturally, fuck it

Christmas ginger thins

Which come in red tins

Cookery book stand

Just came away in my hand

Twisting and turning

Returning, never learning

Go the right way

Or get a loud “HEJ”

All the stuff we never needed

Well, not until we see’d it